When most people talk about breakups they are usually talking about losing the significant other they were dating. This post isn’t about that. It is about losing my absolute best friend. Her name is Alanna Marie Nagi. I met this beautiful girl when I was in third grade. We grew up together. From sleepovers, to talking about our first crushes, through the awkward stages of puberty to the young women we became, she was always by my side. Losing a best friend is one of the worst breakups there is. Here are 10 real feels that come with losing your person.
1. The never ending gut-wrenching feeling of a breakup
We all know what this feeling is. The feeling that someone punched you in the stomach. That feeling like you want to cry but no more tears will come out. That feeling of emptiness because you know life will never be the same again. This feeling is always there.
2. Everything reminds you of her
Everything reminds me of you. Whether it is elephant anything, mac and cheese, the color purple, one of your favorite songs, someone we know or the places we went, you are always here. I am blessed for this because it means you’re still here, but my heart also hurts because it means we don’t get to do all of those things together anymore. I miss talking about boys with you or receiving snapchats of you at target people watching. Thank you for the little reminders that you are still here.
3. Roles are reversed
I am still very protective over you. I still watch over your Facebook, look out for your family and make sure people only say nice things about you. It has always been this way. But as life goes on I will also learn that our roles are reversed now. You will now be my protector in life. You are my guardian angel. I will try to remember this and live life in a way that I know you would want me to.
4. Living life in extremes
I will be very productive sometimes. I will get everything accomplished before 3 p.m. Other days I cannot get out of bed or stop crying at work.
5. The feeling of regret
I regret so many things. I wish we had seen each other more. I wish I had made it to your 21st birthday. I wish I was there more in general. I wish I could have protected you on that day. I wish I could call you right now. Life is so short. This has taught me not to take advantage of time here on earth. You never know when it will be your last.
6. Never settling
I feel like I need to live life for both of us, so I will not settle. We talked about our wedding days and finding the right guy. I always knew nobody here on earth would be good enough for you. Your soul mate is an angel in heaven. I will not settle for someone you would not approve of. I know that on the day God blesses me with my soul mate that you will be with me. You will still be by my side in every way that counts. I love you and thank you for always pushing me to be the best me I could be.
7. Little things people complain about make you want to punch them
When people complain about their dog eating their shoes or losing their favorite shirt, I just want to punch them. There are so many more important things in the world than the first world problems people have to post on social media. Think about what the person next to you may be going through before you post about your lost shoe on Facebook.
8. Shutting down
It is easy to shut down. It is easy to hide all emotions. It is easy to hide yourself from the world. It is easy to disappear. I have shut down a few times. I have had days where I can’t get out of bed. But I just have to remember to keep going. I go out into the world with a smile on my face. The world would never know I lost you at times. This really makes me aware of what others must be going through. We are so good at pretending we are okay when inside we are completely broken.
9. Asking God, why her!?
I have been resentful towards God lately. I have asked him why you, why you?! The one person who I told everything to. Why did you take my person. But I know this is selfish and I am just saying this because I love her. God lends us his daughters and his sons until their mission is complete. Alanna you are a beautiful soul who always put a smile on everyones face. I know you are with Jesus and God now. You are in the most beautiful place there is. Thank you for being by my side through every step in life. I miss you so much. Thank you for keeping my faith strong during a hard time.
10. The feeling of wanting to be alone but also not wanting to miss out on life
I feel like I need to be alone. Like nobody understands. You were the one person who would. The one person I would call right now. You were a good friend, a great person and had such a kind heart. I miss my person. I will try to help others during this time because I know that is what you would do.
This is not goodbye, this is see you later. Miss you everyday best friend.